too. two. to.

went from thinking im too much

living two separate lives because I was trying to figure out a balance

TO accepting my too muchness and embracing it

I have a first grader. She's getting into spelling and learning the differences between words that sound the same but are spelled differently with different meanings. You're & your, their, there & there, two, too & to. I'm her teacher 2 days a week, so I have to make sure she gets it. My learning style is a mixed bag: auditory, visual and practical- but simultaneously. I doodle/take notes when I'm listening to things, and I want to watch and do at the same time. That one's complicated... pictures and instructions send my brain into a tizzy... let me just look at one thing!

But as we were going through the words and their meanings/corresponding spellings, I was getting really creative with using the words in a sentence. I try to be funny to make them stick with her. We're very silly and I try to get some laughs. 

I can't pinpoint the exact moment it hit me, but it was when we were going over too, two and to. With 3 versions of the word, I had to do a lot of reps and changing it up a bit to help her get it. 

As I was thinking of my next example for her, I came up with a few for myself...

1. "Mommy used to (sometimes I still do) think I'm "too much" for people.
2. "Mommy was living two separate lives: pleasing the people I was around while I tried to find balance with who I thought I really was".
3. "Mommy went from living a double life, to  accepting and embracing who God made me; trusting His good-and only- plan for me". 

For a very long time- as far back as I can remember, actually- I've heard "I'm too much". Not always in those exact words, but that was the message. That caused me to develop a complex, and I started to become whoever I needed to be to please the people around me. I didn't want to be too much, I wanted to be "just right"-- for everyone.

I'd never associated my people pleasing with a fear of man. I guess I took it literally. I wasn't walking along living in terror or absolute fear of what someone might do to me as I was walking down the street. I knew bad guys were out there, but I also knew statistically I'd be ok... so "fear of man" wasn't anything I was dealing with...

Then I learned what that meant. 🫣🫣

I was absolutely living with a fear of man: what if they think Im not smart because of something I said or posted- could I bounce back?,  what if they think I look weird- could I just change my look? what if they're only being nice to my face, could I handle knowing that?, what more should I do to make sure they like me or will include me- could my schedule handle that?, what happens if I made someone mad and they don't talk to me anymore?? Could I survive it?

I feared a LOT of hypothetical things about man. Very few had actually taken place- but they could. 

Could... interesting word. 

Whether we're using it in the past, present or future tense, it just means that something had the potential to go a certain way, or we might have achieved an outcome- or not, but it wasn't a sure thing! There was nothing concrete about it... there are lots of variables with "could". Yet here I was, treating all those "could" statements as if they were as solid as could be. (could be..) 

I gave those thoughts a lot of power. That got me thinking of powerful thoughts that are true. Nothing is more true than an "I AM" statement... and when I got that perspective, it hit.

I AM statements are absolute truth... no where close to any of those silly thoughts I was thinking.

My flesh has a tendency to take the lead on decision making. I try to have wisdom and not finalize any decisions based on emotions, so I tell myself, "ok Emily. Either God's right or you are", and that helps me do the right thing.

So I started to think about all the fears of man I had... replaying things and how it could have been different. Then, I started to think about Jesus' life, and how things could have been different for Him- for us!

I mean, He could have called on the angel armies to wipe out the soldiers. He could have said "no" to the cross, but the people whom He loved so much would still be in debt with no sacrifice to match... so no, that wasn't going to happen. 

Then too, two and to hit me again... but for Jesus.

Jesus was absolutely "too much" for the pharisees and sadducees; but that was a them problem, not a Jesus problem. Jesus was exactly who He was made to be. They felt threatened, pride was there.... Jesus could have toned it down, but He didn't praise God! 

He wasn't tiptoeing or walking on eggshells, pleasing whoever was around by leading two lives; living one life in private and another publicly. He lived out the ONE life He was called to-- right up to the end. 

Lastly, right out the gate Jesus knew who He was. There was no "coming into His own" like we often do. Sure, He lived and grew up like other children, but even before He started His ministry, He was established in Who He was. He could have lived like we spend part of our childhood/young adulthood- in confusion of "who am I? what is my purpose?"... but He was established. Check out some supporting Scripture here

Did you notice those "could's"? None of them stood a chance. 

What if, instead of thinking what "could happen", we focused on God's Truths, and what WOULD happen then?

Well, I'll tell you what would happen:

1. We'd be TOO focused on hearing, knowing, trusting God that any other scenario would lose all power over us. The fear of man lessens when God is the only one we fear/revere.
2. We'd stop serving TWO masters. Wed get back to "hot" from cold, or dare-I-say lukewarm! Idols would crumble! Our path would be (more) clear.
3. We'd go from living in chaos, fear, worry and anxiety TO living with peace, calm and contentment (among MANY other things!)

God wants to reveal Himself to us in any way He can, even in our children's studies.

YOU are the 1 He left the 99 for. He's speaking. Are we listening?