swiss cheese

What is your favorite cheese? I think mine's Swiss. It's what I want on a cold cut or any sandwich, and I really enjoy just picking up a slice to eat on its own. I don't know if I would have ever tried it if it weren't for my grandpa. He always had a bunch of unique stuff around to eat- and because of my love, admiration and adoration for him, I was always eager to try whatever he tried, and if he liked it, I was going to like it too! I'm 99% sure that's why I wanted to drink coffee. I can also add catfish, liver and onions, and raw dawg (it's a midwest thing) to name a few. My grandpa had a lot of influence in my life. I didn't know how, or why, but I just knew that if grandpa was on board with it, I should be too. 

My grandparents went to church each weekend (Sunday or Saturday night- probably depending on the schedule), and probably during the week too. I was a kid, so I wasn't going with them during the week. I do recall going there on Sundays after church for donuts though. We went to a Catholic Church, so a lot of it aside from the homily was hard for me to understand until I was a little older. But I always felt a connection to Jesus.

After we got to gram and gramp's house, I always, and I mean always remember grandpa taking praying at the table seriously. I knew he wasn't messing around when it came to God, so like Swiss cheese, coffee, cat fish and liver and onions, I added that to the list of things I was going to love. 

I wanted to love all the things he loved because, more than anything, I wanted to be close to him because I loved him SO MUCH. I don't know if I ever really comprehended how much until I was much older. But I had no idea that sure, our phone calls would often revolve around recipes and our love of liver and onions, but his love for God saved me, and has turned my heart to Swiss cheese.

This past Sunday, PJ (Pastor Jeff if you're new here) shared something that made me think about how much I needed the Lord to do a work on my heart. I do love God with all my heart, but sadly, there are parts that have hardened and darkened, and just need to be removed once and for all. I'd like to tell you that my heart is bright pink/red, and thriving! But the truth is, it's grey, dare I say black in areas. Thankfully I know a surgeon who can not only remove those parts with clean margins, but fill in the gaps with a soft flesh that beats for Him once more. Until God fills those holes, it gave me the visual of Swiss cheese. As tasty as it may be to me, that's the last thing I want my heart to look like. 😔 Holes.... real estate that could be loving the Lord... loving a brother or sister in Christ.... gone because of hardening. Boo. That's hard to admit. 

But grace.

It doesn't have to stay that way. 

I've had this post on my heart a day or so... but it wasn't until now that I have the courage to say think/write these last few lines. I forgive myself for getting to the pint of needing God to remove those parts of my heart, and as a result, my heart is left looking like a piece of Swiss cheese. Thank You Lord, for the mercy and grace You give that I don't deserve. I will do the best I can going forward. I, and it won't be perfect, but I'm going to try. 

I'm 38 as I'm writing this. So it's taken me most of my life to be able to forgive myself for the big stuff. I won't ever do anything perfectly this side of Glory, and I no longer strive to- not even my eyebrows. I cling to the ultimate redemption story- when Jesus asks Peter if he loves Him. (John 21:15-17)

The last time PJ taught on this, he pointed out that most of the translations we have simply said "Peter/Simon son of John, do you love me?". But the Greek actually has different words for "love" the first two times Jesus asks; agape. Agape love refers to a selfless, unconditional, and sacrificial love, often described as the highest form of love. Both times Peter replies with a "yes, Lord, you know I do." The second time he may even answer with a little frustration in his voice, like "seriously?? yes, you know I love you!?!" (pure speculation by the way...)

The third time Jesus asks though (mind you, Jesus always knows the answers to the questions He asks; He just wants an honest answer) he uses a different word for love- phileo. Phileo love refers to a deep, affectionate friendship or brotherly love. 

Again, this is pure speculation, but I'm sure Peter was like "Yes! YES! I can totally do that! I just denied you three times, so I'm not about to commit to being selfless, or unconditional, or even sacrificial. I will totally phileo, you LORD!"

That's where I'm at. I didn't deny Jesus the same way Peter did, but I have denied Him, sure. I can't promise I will love Him perfectly, or that I won't mess up tomorrow, or right after I've asked for forgiveness.I do know that I'm never going to stop trying. God is going to take what was dark and hardened, and restore it to what is soft and beautiful! No condemnation here. Conviction, sure, because God wants more for me than a heart full of holes that looks like Swiss cheese; more like a good muenster! (Sorry, my grandpa also like that one 😉) 

But in all seriousness, when is the last time you examined your heart? No one is claiming to be perfect, and I'm certainly not trying to shame you, or make you feel bad. Sheesh, I just let you know how much work the Good Surgeon had to do on me! But taking a good look at what is going on in that heart of ours can really lead to some great talks with the Father. Some really, really good and honest talks. I had been avoiding them for some time now because I was afraid to face how ugly things had gotten. 

But like always, He met me with love and kindness, mercy and grace, instead of the ugliness the enemy led me to believe I'd be met with. 

YOU are the 1 He left the 99 for.

The Surgeon is ready. Are you going to let Him take out what has to go?