it's my job
When I first started reading the Bible to really read the whole thing with purpose, I had a LOT of excitement. I was excited to finally read the entire thing, I was excited to understand things, I was excited to NOT QUIT a ways in...
I'll admit, Genesis was "boring" because I had read it soooo many times. (I had tried to read the Bible many, MANY times prior!) Exodus wasn't too bad, but by the time I got to Leviticus and Numbers I trailed off.
This time around, I was making it through no matter what!
The very first time I read Job for myself, it was like "come ON! This poor guy! Why do You allow that, Lord?" Man, this is sad!
The second and third times I read it, I had more appreciation for it- thanks to having read the rest of the Bible and gaining insight and understanding.
The fourth time I read Job, I really progressed in my depth of understanding- around the part where Job's friends are talking with him.
More recently, each time I read Job, I'm really hearing the part where Job and God are talking. Starting in chapter 38, God really lays into him. A good ole' "who do you think you are?" speech. BUT, because it's coming from God, it's done with love and isn't condemning... though being put in your place from GOD had to be the ultimate humble. I fell in love with what I thought was the saddest book of the Bible.
The rebuke God gives Job feels like what I have been experiencing a lot lately. After a lot of reflection and looking inward, I started to see all the areas my pride, ego, and whatever else like that was taking over. Who did I think I was?? That things should be catered to me, and centered around me... revolve solely around me.
Now, to be fair, I wasn't parading around like "bow down to me!", "that doesn't serve me well, so we must change it!". It was low-key, passive aggressive, covert... and gross. Ugh, I already don't want to hit publish. But, where's the growth and accountability in that? Confess it, address it, and let His Light shine right on it! Blasting away the darkness.
So I'm currently unlearning the entitlement I didn't even realize I had. I'm also learning how to not pull away, isolate, let shame or embarrassment lead the way when I face it.
God is definitely moving... Other ways are good- maybe even better. My way might not be good, might not work, might not fit the vision. That's ok.
The biggest takeaway I had- that God had for me- is that EVEN WHEN:
- my ways aren't a good fit
- my ideas aren't going to work
- I'm not the person for the job
- I realize it all and repent...
God loves me enough to rebuke me, and enough to not push me aside.
I AM HIS FOREVER.
I grew up with a people-pleasing attitude. It always felt like feeling loved was contingent upon my performance. I felt like I had to earn people's friendship, love, affection, etc. And to make sure I earn enough it, I was working OVER TIME.
*Please don't think I had a horrific childhood where I wasn't loved at all, and I should have a documentary. For whatever reason though, that's how it felt, and now I'm facing it head on with God's help. I've tried doing it alone, or with suggestions from the world, and none of that ever worked. If anything, it made it worse.
I can't let my past, my situation, or my circumstances be an excuse for me to behave in ways that don't align with God's Word. It's not even a good look to the world- and that's saying something.
I've shared in other posts that I know my identity is in Christ. So why was it so hard for me to grasp that He'd always take me back, when I knew that?
It didn't matter why it was hard in that moment. What mattered is that I'm still loved. I cling to that. It doesn't give me a free pass to go out and be an intentional repeat offender, so action's got to be taken.
So when I fall short (which is oh so often), and become more of the world instead of in it, I know I can go to God without fear of abandon. Will there be rebuke? yes
Will there be growth? yes
But most importantly, will there be love from our Father even after all that? YES.
I know that He wants me to choose to go to Him. I know that facing these hard things is not easy, but it's what I have to. Reading Job started out cringey, and has become one of the best things I've ever read. I glean so much each time I read it, and God meets me right where I am to teach me exactly what He needs to.
Doing what I am called to do, in willing obedience... is what He created us for. Afterall, it's my "Job".