Grounded
If you took the time to read the "about me" section, you read that I attended Catholic school. I learned about Jesus, Heaven and Hell, a slew of prayers, and things I felt- emotions- but couldn't name. Like I said, I didn't quite know what it was that I was feeling/learning, but I now know those feelings to be conviction & condemnation.
My moral compass was far from perfect, but boy did I feel it internally when I did something that didn't make someone in my life happy; therefore making God not happy. We didn't learn about those things specifically, lessons usually focused on learning the stories and main overtones, and church was a regular liturgical mass. Especially when I was young, a lot of the mass went over my head, and the homily was the part that felt like the priest finally spoke English.
My sister and I fought like Tom and Jerry... if you don't know who that is, maybe the expression "cats and dogs" would make more sense. I also was the oldest, a type A, and a people pleaser. At a young age I could read the emotions in the room, sensing when things were off. I was also reminded often when my feelings were off, because apparently, they changed the temperature in the room.
I can't tell you what age it started, but going back to the status of my moral compass, I knew when I crossed a line or did something that wasn't good. I started writing my mom letters, explaining how I had let them down, and took it upon myself to ground myself and give what I thought was the appropriate punishment. I can't recall the specifics, but I think even then I was a little harsh with my punishments. Extra long duration, withholding things or restrictions on toys and other things I enjoyed... In my kid mind, the punishment matched the crime. I had a slight sense of conviction and a greater sense of condemnation.
Fast forward to today, 3 decades later.
Recently I have been struggling immensely with things; some justified, others not-so-much. Amid the personal internal struggle, sickness hit. We were physically down-and-out. So naturally that means me, as mom, was also mentally, emotionally and Spiritually down-and-out.
The snuggle requests increased, which was a beautiful thing! Unfortunately, the laundry, random MULTIPLE snack requests, and clutter increased as well.
After over a week of irregular schedules and missing church, the sick streak broke, and we were able to get back.
I knew it would be an emotional visit because that always happens when I've been away for a week or two, plus I was facing all sorts of personal struggles head on (NOT something I was wanting to do, but I knew I had to. Watch an amazing service on that topic here). I had a slight sense of condemnation and a greater sense of of conviction. Or so I thought...
Each worship song leading up to service was like I had a front row seat to a concert that was curated just for me. The message was no exception. Our Pastor was in Haiti with a small group of men visiting our sister church, so someone else gave the message. I have a LOT in common with Adam: we have a huge heart for the local church and getting connected, we want to seek out wisdom wherever we can find it, and we both seem to really relate to Peter.
Anyway, throughout the message, he hit everything he needed to for me to realize how "stuck" I was in my sin. I didn't even realize it, but boy was he spot on. Prior to the message I felt I was justified to feel that way. Turns out I was simply justifying my sin to avoid facing it.
Wow... I guess.. thanks??
When I accepted the truth, that I was stuck in sin, I realized what I had to do: the grown-up-version of the groundings I gave myself 30 years ago. Instead of REMOVING or WITHHOLDING something, I had to face and own up to it; take accountability and ask for help & forgiveness.
I would have rather given up tacos and coffee for the rest of my life than do that... but like I said- grown-up-version.
I was going to email church leadership, ask for help, ask for their forgiveness (God had already done His work, but I still love and respect this woman so that was important for me to do also.) and make a bold ask. With that ask, I have to accept her answer, whether I like it or not. Because like they say: When you play stupid games (making decisions outside of God's will), win stupid prizes- aka consequences to those choices.
I was at peace with whatever the outcome was, because ultimately, I came out a winner. This "grown-up-grounding" helped pull me OUT of sin and isolation, and back into community and closer to God.
I would like to urge you to listen to both of the messages I referenced in this post, I'll have links below.
But I'd also like to ask you this:
Is what you're feeling conviction, or is it condemnation? My condemnation was masquerading as conviction. Or maybe that was my denial. Either way, condemnation is NOT from God, and it can't occupy your heart and your mind. Conviction is that loving (albeit painful) rebuke from God wanting to draw us back in. Like the prodigal, I struggled. I even REJECTED help from this woman initially because my pride (disguised as strength) said I had to do it alone. The prodigal son was scared to go home for fear of what his father would say. He eventually did, and was welcomed with open arms; who literally ran TO HIM to initiate the homecoming! When I decided to move towards God rather than keep running away, MY "homecoming" started.
I sent the email, and was received with love, grace, and kindness. How blessed are we to be part of a local church! My story was redeemed, and I immediately felt the weight of those fears and burdens removed... almost as if God was waiting for me to give them to Him.
I faced guilt and shame head on, and I can say, without a doubt, a loving rebuke from God is one of the greatest gifts we can get as a follower of Jesus.
If you are battling these things- no matter the degree- please comment, email or reach out for prayer. I welcome you to reach out to me, or someone you trust who loves the Lord. I am praying for you, the one reading this, that if you feel like this now or in the future, you may to be able to "ground yourself" like I did, and get back to where God wants you; closer to Him. I pray you never allow yourself to experience condemnation, because it is written:
- "There is therefore no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1 KJV
- "I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." Galatians 2:20
Conviction is from the Holy Spirit to lead us to correction, repentance and back to God. Condemnation isn't from God. So... you know who that's from; and if it's not from God, there isn't any fruit that will be produced except bad fruit. Nothing good can come of staying in that place. Please cling to the truths that God has for you, because the enemy's lies are loud, and perfectly tailored to get you to believe them.
YOU are the 1 He left the 99 for. He did not endure the cross for you to live in a place of condemnation. Seek Him. Listen. Be obedient in what He asks. Even in those dark moments we should remember He will use it for good!
Church message links that can really help if you're struggling how I was:
Message 1 about doing things we don't want to do, but need to.