birthday gift

What is the best birthday gift you have ever gotten? Was it something you got as a child, and it was more nostalgic? Or was it something you got when you were older and it was something with more meaning? 

What sparked this question, is that today- the day I'm writing this-  is the day of my oldest child's birthday. We spent the morning reminiscing over the days leading up to me going to the hospital, bringing him home, and of course the baby pictures. Man, how did he get SO BIG?! I'm not one to get sad that kids get older. I'm extremely grateful that they have every one of those minutes because I have watched parents say goodbye too soon. 

ANYWAY.

When we brought our son home, I was a believer. So I had all kinds of big dreams for him as any parent would, but I also had dreams of how he would love God with me. Fast forward a few years, my son is non-speaking and has Austim. So those dreams *I* had look quite different than what is actually is unfolding. I wasn't angry with God, but I certainly grieved the life I thought I was going to have. Let me be clear, VERY CLEAR. You can absolutely love your life and grieve it simultaneously. It's complex, but possible. 

So as I'm writing this, reflecting on what I thought we would be doing on this birthday, versus what we are doing on this birthday...a few texts came through. Some "give him a hug for me", and "tell him happy birthday!". One asked what we got him. 

Both of our vehicles have DVD players because movies make car rides so much easier. So we added Moana 1 & 2 to our collection. It isn't much, but that's something he appreciates. The grief hit a little. The another text came through, one from my husband. To sum it up- it was acknowledging that raising a child who doesn't communicate with speech and has autism is really hard, and said thanks. I cried, but I always cry. 

Then the guilt really set in. It was my son's birthday, but this child,  HE was the gift. I'm getting the gift on his birthday. Don't get me wrong, I adore all my kids, but God knew that if I didn't have my son, I wouldn't get nearly as close to Him as I have. If you piled up the minutes I spent praying, worshipping, seeking, it would add up to months. If you added up the times I just spent crying, not able to speak, it would add up to weeks. I've grown so much, been so humbled. Every day presents its own set of struggles, but every day is good; just like our God. 

It seems unfair that he got some DVDs, bubbles and snacks, and I have this amazing child, who shows me God's love, mercy and grace every day... but ultimately, it's his life God is using to reflect His Light. So yeah, I guess he did score a great gift after all!

Wanna talk icing on the cake? I'm sitting here crying, and my other two are bringing me tissues, holding me, wiping my tears and fanning them away. I wasn't a perfect child, and they aren't either, but God is so radiant in them; each in their own way, they're like the bonus gifts your parents bring out of the closet just when you thought the gifts were over.

Whether you have children of your own or not, you probably will see some today. If you won't see the little ones, maybe you'll see the ones who just, grew up!

Bottom line:
We have to start looking at each other like the gifts that we are. (Yes, even the person that drives us a little crazy, or the person we're struggling to forgive. Jesus died for them, too.) Speaking in "gift" terms, they may just have a few more layers of wrapping paper to get through. God doesn't make mistakes.

If you call yourself a believer, we have to forgive. (See Matthew 6:15 and Mark 11:25) It isn't easy. It's something I've struggled with, too! But it's what we are told to do. I don't know about you, but I don't think arguing with God about this will end well...

 so maybe we go ahead and work on forgiveness?

We have all kinds of plans for hour our days, our lives will go, but ultimately, God's plans will prevail. I'm learning to align my prayer with His will, and things are going a little smoother. I still have some a ways to go, but I think if I carry that principle of looking at others how I looked at my son today; I think that's a start. 

YOUare the 1 He left the 99 for. Give yourself the gift of forgiving someone. Who's it going to be?